Mistaken for a robot with his chrome-plated cranium, Dave was immediately deemed 'too metal for Massachusetts', and was dropped off at the border by a pack of philosophical hipsters. Abandoned and left with strange powers of metal mayhem, Dave immediately began to wreak havoc upon the humble peasants of the Rhode Island countryside with his shiny skull of doom. The slaughter lasted an age of man, and created the wasteland known to this day only as 'New Jersey'. It's common knowledge that Dave is best enjoyed with a wedge of smoked gouda and a small children's chorus singing traditional folk ballads from the Dani tribe of Papau.
First Vice President: Lea
Origins unknown, Lea is purported to hail from the distant hills of Bulgaria where the little people dance and sing all the day long for the entertainment of the Sun God, Jeff. Famous for her mastery of the craft of the polka dot, Lea creates intricate tapestries and accouterments which enchant the viewer and entrance their minds long enough for her to covertly inform them of the benefits of green roofs. The typical person wakes up 10 - 12 hours later with a staggering desire to build small models of buildings shaped like biscuits and craft small animals out of wire. Her mysterious powers of hypnotism are suspected to be the result of copious consumption of grapefruits: the most dastardly of the fruits.
Second Vice President: Chris Jackson
Criminally Sane Jackson is, in fact, not at all criminally sane. Sometimes a name just sticks, y'know? An interesting fact of note is that this picture is actually of his evil twin who plots his demise at every turn. The most obvious way to spot the fake Chris Jackson is, of course, the goatee. More subtle differences include the evil twin's constant need to nefariously cackle as his evil machinations are set in motion, and an insatiable craving for the letter 5. Great care should be taken when approaching any Chris Jackson.
Goggles and gloves recommended. Geiger counter optional, but also strongly advised.
Corresponding Secretary: Dominic Dagradi
Years ago, the Baltimore County School Board decided to expel Dominic from the entire public school system. This was largely due to a large explosion in the school's creamed corn silo that is best left unexplained. The entirety of his existence before the explosion has been wiped from the National Identification System. His new life as a hobo on the streets of the South kept him alive for several years, but it wasn't until someone got a taste of the pie he made in a dark alleyway that he finally got his big break. While the symptoms of his insanity are generally kept at bay, he is known to have flare ups, such as wandering the streets in business clothes (this being unusual as he is clearly a pirate).
Recording Secretary: Evan Danaher
Evan is, of course, a bird. But what is a bird? We just don't know. The best guesses of some of the greatest minds of our time suggest that birds may in fact be ethereal beings of another dimension, sent to observe our strange Earth customs. When Evan comes around, make sure to engage in the typical Earth practice of standing on your head to better understand the passing of the bus, continually check your watch for excess cake you can save for the party later than night, and extol loudly the virtues of the city of Glasgow in comparison to Edinburgh. In this way, we can make sure that Evan's reports to his supreme bird overlords are complete and accurate to the finest detail.
Treasurer: Emily Leathers
A little known fact to the common folk of the world is that KGB draws its funds not only from the charity of its loyal followers, but also from it's considerable connections to mob-controlled laundromats. Enter Emily "Crazy Joe" Leathers. Feared by most and unknown to all, Em keeps KGB's clandestine laundry service running smoothly and efficiently, away from the prying eyes of CMU police. Every year as new freshmen go exploring, they inevitably find their way to the secret steam tunnel lairs of Crazy Joe, and are pressed into servitude for the party and work the rest of their years at CMU folding clothes and working the vast rows of steam pressers.
Sergeant At Arms: Chris Martens
The proper prepartation of a Chrisamaphone:
Two small kittens, preferably with ears
Two bits of different lemon flavored cookies
Three cups dehydrated water, rehydrated
Preheat oven to 350 degrees and give the kitten a saucer of milk. Mix the lemon cookie and water until fully absorbed by the sponge and serve over pasta salad. If no lemon cookies are available, substitute orange-flavored chocolate to form substitute officer gwillen.
Dossiers licked by Dominic Dagradi
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