Cyborg director of a mad science lab firebombed by opponents of Singularity who believed he had put far too many body parts into the work, Jared looks fondly upon his golden days in the sacred lumberjack dojo, learning the ancient martial arts of the forest... with chainsaws. In fact, one of his cybernetic arms has a chainsaw attachment (as well as a less masculine, but still reasonably awesome, electric mixer attachment useful for making mashed potatoes, pound cake, and seafoam green paint (funny they no longer stock it in stores).
Jared has special ties with the Robot Overlords, so his soup in restaurants is never too cold and always without flies, living, dead, or undead, and he has never in his life been 404'd.
Any room Jared enters doubles as a fallout shelter.
First Vice President: Matthew "Sparkles" Glisson
Born on the Tennessee River in a submarine made entirely out of Lego bricks, Glisson has always had a special place in the watery depths of his heart (his blood, however, is thicker than water) for all things aquatic and/or mechanical. He can become a deadly velociraptor at moment's notice, and runs a successful raptor attack safety consulting firm.
You may call him Matt, but there are so many Matts that the Chrises are jealous, so he may continue to doze peacefully atop his sweet crumbly muffin without noticing your call. The call of Cthulu, however, he will never ignore.
To keep himself in fighting form, Glisson does laps in a tank of ferrofluid dressed in chainmail. A welding accident in his youth left him unable to pronounce the word "weekend."
Second Vice President: Carolyn Sawyer
Carolyn is quiet. Too quiet. Thus, it is likely that you will never hear her talk of her dark Soviet past, but when she catches speeding bullets in the air without even glancing up from her knitting, performs strange graceful gymnastics to catch herself on the rare instances when she loses her footing in the stairways of Wean, or cooks up a big bubbling pot of blood-red borscht, you just sort of know.
Carolyn knows the secrets of nanoparticles, so you really don't want to get on her bad side. Something so tiny you'd never know it was there. Watching your every move. It is advisable to know precisely how she likes her tea.
You may thank her for crocheting the prototype of the Internet back in the golden days of the slide rule. She also walks uphill, both ways, without tiring.
Corresponding Secretary: Nicole Reilly
Nicole spent too many hours in the dance mills of swampy Florida. She has a heightened tolerance of heat, relentlessly smacks down cockroaches (or “palmetto bugs"), can spin without getting too dizzy, and can probably kick you in the face. She has been known to walk on her hands and wear blinding fluorescent colors without warning.
Nicole didn't find the KGB -- the KGB found her! tied to the railroad tracks in a box of raccoons. It was hard to distinguish her from them, what with the pointy ears and all.
When the Revolution comes, she will be waiting in the trees, whispering battle strategies to the squirrels. Like tiny, fluffy kindergarteners, rabid or not, they listen better if you don’t shout at them.
Recording Secretary: Drew Besse
From the lush and fragrant jungles of upstate New York, Drew enjoys solving real, complex, rational and irrational puzzles, recalculating pi, and remote-defusing bombs. He may or may not have or be an evil twin.
If you give Drew a banana, he just might look the other way for a minute, permitting you to slip out of the viewfinder of his Great Space Laser.
Drew has been to the past and the future and back, but they left him cold, so he has elected to remain temporally stable for the time being. He has yet to travel off-planet, since his imperfect eyesight prevents him from legally attaining astronaut status, but the thought of how much more mischief he could do in zero-G has him drawing up blueprints for a spaceship shaped like a bowl of tangerines.
Treasurer: Laura Abbott
It is common knowledge and no secret at all that Laura is a dominatrix. Why wouldn't she be? She is pretty tall. Hence, if you throw rolled coins at her during a meeting, there will be consequences. And you'd better hope they didn't strike her. She just might have to reprogram your hardware, if you know what I mean.
In her spare time, she teaches her kitten chorus popular songs and uploads the results to the Internet, where they have become an overnight sensation. Their first album has gone platinum in Germany, but then again, what hasn't?
She was the first KGB member to fly solo around the world, but says nothing of the three months during which she disappeared in the Pacific without a trace, or her cameo appearance on TV's "Love Boat."
Sergeant At Arms: Elizabeth Hohenstein
As is fitting for a Sergeant at Arms, Liz has six arms, two of which are nuclear, four of which have opposable thumbs, which makes it easy for her to multitask in the Cluster and make several flavors of cupcake at once.
She found success in her early life designing bridges that appeared to be held up only by magic. When it was revealed that they were in fact held up mostly by magic (there were nontrivial quantities of duct tape involved), she shunned the nonbelievers, rejected her hypnotic low-cut shirts and blouses, and turned her efforts to religion, in addition to cures for chronic boredom, mass hysteria, and the ingrown toenail.
Liz is especially difficult to track, as her likeness has on numerous occasions been reported to be in two places at once!
-Officer files compiled by Jared Goerner. Donít blame me if you donít get the references.
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