Born in the depths of the Congo, Akiva soon proved that he was more intelligent than the rest of his
chimpanzee brethren. Unfortunately, his intelligence did not serve him well when poachers came. He was
caught and packaged up to be sent to the US as the new pet of some spoiled little rich girl. Shortly
thereafter, Akiva was posessed by the disembodied spirit of one of the girl's earlier plushies. The
destructive rampage only ceased when no less than two down pillows, one comforter, and a single can
of peanut butter had been savagely demolished. If you catch him at the wrong time, you can still make
out the spirits of those fateful stuffed items and that sad jar of peanut butter. In fact, if you catch
him on halloween, watch out. At that time, any of those spirits might take over, and who knows what
horrible revenge they will enact for Akiva's crimes...
First Vice President: Matthew Kehrt
A devout monk in the service of Eris, Mkehrt resides high up in a monastery deep in the mountains of
Switzerland. Mkehrt has singlehandedly fled in fear of a towering wall of kobolds, only to turn and run
back the other direction, fleeing an errant golden apple. The whereabouts of the golden apple are
currently unknown, but the towering wall of kobolds was last seen swimming the Atlantic, on the
lookout for Mkehrt. If you see him, and he's been in the same place for more than a few days, be sure
to warn him and take cover.
Second Vice President: Lauren "Styger" Stiger
Styger was born out west, a fearless little rascal haunting border towns and helping her outlaw uncles
to smuggle bullets and rustle cattle. Later, Styger's career branched out into professional gambling
and casino hijacking. After a few years of slumming around with the likes of Doc Holliday and Johnny
Ringo, the Law finally caught up with Styger, threatening to put her behind bars. It was a quick
and merciless duel, out on the streets at noon. The Sheriff slapped leather faster than Styger could,
but his shot went wide. Styger drew her screw-gun and spun the bit. Three day's later, the Sherriff was
still in the hospital from a busted gut, and Styger was on the run again.
Corresponding Secretary: Chris Jackson
Born in 3006, Chris Jackson belongs to KGB's top-secret time squad, sent back into the early days of the
USSR to assassinate Trotsky with a giant duffle bag of useless trinkets. Alas, Trotsky slipped from his
grasp initially, but, using the alias Frank
Jackson, Chris was able to finally defeat his nemesis with an icepick. A delayed action icepick. To the
brain. Other nemeses not-so-promptly-but-eventually dispatched: Rasputin, Julius Caesar, Woodrow Wilson.
Current Temporal Coordinates: November 5th, 1605. Target: Parliament.
The smallest of the bunch, Rebecca always wanted to fly with the rest of the flying monkeys. However,
her small stature and unicycling talents made this a dream that wouldn't come true for little Rebecca.
However, she did have her revenge when Dorothy melted the witch. Rebecca then unicycled around the
countryside, saving even more diminutive humans from the garden gnomes, or the predations of stuffed
straw men. They can be nasty, those buggers. Last we checked, she was seen heading towards the ocean,
spurred on by reports of wild beasts with unicycle tires that were much larger than any she had ever
seen before, capable of floating on top of even the roughest of seas. If she is successful, Rebecca will
probably sail off into the West. If you need her, you might wish to catch her.
Treasurer: Emily Leathers
The shining star of the KGB bank account, Em survived the shelling of France by the Germans in the early
1940s. Later, her powers of awesome were used to test Agent Orange for use during other wars.
Unfortunately, information provided by these tests was not applicable to the wider world. Since then,
Em was accidentally transported to a parallel dimension where everyone she sees just seems too small. Too
shy to say anything most of the time, she nevertheless wonders at why the average person is simply not
6'4" in height. To this effect, she attempts to get them to enact an ancient cure for such shortness,
namely wearing inflatable pool toys and singing Yankee Doodle very loudly. Success with the latter
portion has been resounding, though the inflatable pool toys have been less than popular in Pittsburgh.
You can find her now preparing to be assaulted with numerous pennies from assorted countries and
in varied states of mutilation before each and every KGB meeting.
Sergeant At Arms: Lauren "Lea" Albaugh
Rumored to be made purely out of balsa wood, Lauren does, in fact, find herself often wishing she were a
real girl, or at least one who sleeps. Minions she crafts from wire share many properties of her, namely
their ability to be animate without noticable strings. However, it is widely disputed whether she holds
her own strings, or the hand of another being does it for her. Fortunately for you, small, brightly
colored objects will distract her long enough to slip away from both her grasp and her minions. However,
be warned, she has a mighty skillful stabbing arm and a list 'bout five miles long.
Dossiers supplied by Chris Jackson
Current top banner: The Committee to Astroturf the Fence reports success. (credit: Randy Sinnott) Reload for a new one.