Chris Jackson came to the Killer Fighting League with stellar results from his previous stint as Epic Chef and part-time garbageman in the Swedish “Brick Pits”. During his final match against the Platinum Painter, tensions ran high as he prepared his special Space Police Pancake, successfully decapitating 219 Lego men in one toss. His opponent was unfazed and countered with his famous Hue of Horror, but to no avail against Chris Jackson’s classic Roboforce Rolls! The battle waged back and forth, but eventually Chris Jackson was victorious, with the help of the somewhat sneaky Mindstorms 27.18 super-chip embedded in his brain. Having cleared this epic hurdle of his career, he decided to continue fighting for Truth, Justice, and Out-Of-Print Lego Sets. What he expects to accomplish by enrolling in the Killer Fighting League, no one knows.
SPECIAL MOVE:Bionicle Bagels (2 parts classic translucent green space Legos + 1 part new special-use Legos + 3 parts unbelievably-difficult-to-find Legos that always end up in the vacuum cleaner)
First Vice President: Dominic "Dom" Dagradi
Scarred in his early years by a rampaging Gazebo, a terrible combination of a giraffe, a zebra, and a helicopter, Dom vowed that no person would ever have to suffer the same fate as he did. Decades of painstaking research finally paid off when he developed a cure for the common zebra. His only test subject ravaged most of Eastern Europe before finally being put down by a much older and better-trained Dominic Dagradi, with the help of a short montage sequence. After several years working for murderous pirates in the Arctic Circle, he was drafted into the Summer Suplex Squad and forced to fight in the Killer Fighting League. Once he wins, he plans to move to a quiet houseboat in Arizona and go back to doing what he loves best: macaroni pictures.
SPECIAL MOVE:Sexy Pirate Leer (half-circle + triangle + smile)
Second Vice President: Chris "Chrisamaphone" Martens
An aquaneer for habitat 1172, Chris got into the fight game when she ended up having to jump some henchmen in her engine room 23¼ years ago. She soon realized that she had amazing temporal powers when she accidentally super-aged one of them into dust; she never was forgiven by that henchman’s dead spirit, even though she said she was really, really sorry with sugar on top. Once she realized that she could use her powers for good and for awesome, she promptly enrolled in the Killer Fighting League and, just as promptly, lost to Geriatric Man. Then, she realized that she should probably go through a training sequence first. Due to a training mishap involving 40 pounds of shaving cream and a rubber duck, the sequence lasted 30 episodes longer than it should have, but she’s now ready to re-enter the Killer Fighting League and claw her way to the top. Hobey-ho!
SPECIAL MOVE:Time Lord (jump left + step right + heptagon)
Corresponding Secretary: Jared Goerner
A cyborg from 2½ dimensions over, Jared still wonders why there aren’t any killer robots bent on destruction in this dimension yet. Although hell bent on creating a few of them, he has become somewhat sidetracked with his entrance into the Killer Fighting League. Ostentatiously this was to learn more about different fighting techniques, but inside sources say that he really did it to get closer to the girl with that cute CPU and killer leg enhancements. His armaments include a laser scope eye, electric pile driver arm, enhanced metabolism, short-range nanobombs, optional wing attachments, and dashing good looks. Too bad he can never catch them.
Although Carolyn appears to be an elven princess of some sort, fellow combatants in the Killer Fighting League say that they can’t help but think that something is off about her. Perhaps it’s her teeth (which all happen to be filed into points), or the fact that her pen really is mightier than most swords (and drips venom), or her rather gruesome match against the previous reigning champion of the Macabre Gore League that left him scattered in four piles on the ground, a fine mist on the audience, two superluminal pieces of bone and a strange looking rock on one of the moons of Saturn. This match actually broke the MGL record for Most Dispersed Dismemberment, previously set by Gorm the Bloodless in 198X with Tolkenian Death Weasels. In any case, whatever’s off about her, nobody can quite put their finger on it.
SPECIAL MOVE:Summon Cute Rabid Woodland Animals (Pirouette + Pas de chat + En Pointe + Sledgehammer to the face)
Treasurer: Elizabeth Hohenstein
Commander of the 7th legion of Chaos Marines, Elizabeth was discharged for making her unit symbol a smiley-face and forcing her troops to write ‘thank-you’ notes to the enemy commanders after the battles (however many pieces they were in). Henceforth, she went out to do the work of EVIL! However, she never seemed to be very successful at it. She became a human fly and climbed undetected up the Washington Monument, the White House, and the Empire State Building, only to paint Christmas colors on them. She summoned the dark god Cthulhu into this world, but as a plush toy. Her evil twin can’t even grow a decent goatee. She continues to insist even in the Killer Fighting League that pillow fights are the height of foul, brutal monstrosities. Her fellow evil warriors generally humor her in her misguided ideas, because she’s a very difficult person to dislike, even for the mad wizard servants of Dagon or the Killer Death Robot 5000’s of the world. She claims to have a special surprise in store for this year involving molten copper, the lost mold of Ythrak, and a rubber duck.
SPECIAL MOVE:Death Saxophone (put down the duckie)
Sergeant At Arms: Matthew Glisson
Matthew Glisson was a highly successful rock star in the 950’s, back when ‘the axe’ referred to something literal. Glisson was actually the pioneer of the term as it applies to the modern guitar since after every battle he would hold a rock concert by plucking the various human detritus that got stuck to his weapon. The managers of the Killer Fighting League thought he would be an excellent representative to put on during Viking Week, but were disappointed to find him a clean-shaven and relatively even-tempered man, so he was relegated to the 2:00 AM battles and denied a ticket home. To this day he prefers to think of himself as a musician, not a fighter, but since the only way he knows to string his instrument involves the dismemberment of no less than 14 people, he is likely to continue to do well in the Killer Fighting League.
SPECIAL MOVE:Star Power (score a 50-hit combo)
-Officer files compiled by Jared Goerner. Don’t blame me if you don’t get the references.
Current top banner: The Committee to Astroturf the Fence reports success. (credit: Abe Wong) Reload for a new one.