Who are we, anyway?

That’s a good question. We’ll get back to you on that.

Until then, here’s a lovely explanation from our previous website.

Who ARE these weirdos?

The KGB is…

  • an informal, co-ed social organization at Carnegie Mellon University
  • almost 99% fat free.
  • an eccentric bunch of nerds, geeks, freaks, visionaries, outcasts and ne’er-do-wells, who plan on being on the right side of the guns when the Revolution comes.
  • by law, not more than 5 percent insect parts or animal hair.
  • so much fun, your pants will explode!
  • those strange people who run up to you in Wean or Doherty, fiercely brandishing strips of foam-rubber and demanding to know whether you’re on the red team or the yellow team. (huh?)
  • so bad, we kick our own asses twice a day.
  • has an average body temperature of more than 96F.

Who AREN’T these weirdos?

The KGB is…

  • NOT that KGB. No relation. We can’t help you with your research for Russian History class.
  • NOT Kappa Gamma Beta. The KGB is not a fraternity.
  • NOT to be taken too seriously.
  • NOT yet available in Oregon, due to obscure long-term repercussions of the Hawley-Smoot Tariff.
  • NOT your fucking khakis!
  • CERTAINLY NOT watching your every move. The rumors are groundless. Go about your business, citizen.

Our Stated Purpose:

We seem to have forgotten. Was it tortellini?

If you read this section, you don’t quite understand yet. Come to a meeting at 4:30 on Monday in Margaret Morrison A14!

How can I be sure to get 100% of my USRDA of the KGB?

The KGB conducts its vile, godless rituals every Monday at 4:30 PM in Margaret Morrison A14. If all else fails, follow the “Thataway” signs. Come to meetings to learn about Capture the Flag with Stuff, movie nights, hi-tech excitement, Subliminal Geek Fishing, and other random acts of lunacy that we later deny responsibility for. You’ll hate yourself if you don’t. Trust us.