When in the Course of inhuman events, it becomes really, really,
necessary for a bunch of loonies like us to dissolve the rubber bands which
have connected us with another, and to assume among the Powers of the campus,
the separate and equal station to which the Laws of the Almighty Dollar
entitle us, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that we
should declare the causes which impel us to our creation. We hold these
truths to be intuitively obvious to the casual observer at a cursory glance,
that all men - (No, no! That's too sexist.) - all persons are created
equal (though some are >= than others), that they are endowed by
their Creator, we think, with certain unalienable Wrongs, that among these
are Life (not in Pittsburgh), Liberty (not at C (no hyphen) M
(no 'U')), and the pursuit of Happiness (not with a 3:1 ratio!?!
Who do you think you're kidding?). That to secure these wrongs, Organizations
are instituted among certain bipedal, carbon-based life forms, deriving
their just powers from the consent of the oppressed masses. That whenever
any Form of Student Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is
the Right of the Students to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new
Organization, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its
powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their
Silliness and Happiness. Logic dictates that Student Governments long established
should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all
experience hath shown, that mankind are more disposed to apathy, while
boredom is sufferable, than to come up with a single interesting thing
to do. But when a long train of boxcars, pursuing a bird traveling at 30
km/h, evinces a design to reduce them to the previous equation, it is their
right - Nay! - their duty, to blow off such final exams. Such has been
the patient sufferance of these Students; and such is now the necessity
which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Amusement. The history
of the present Student Body is a history of repeated apathy and disinterest,
all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Boredom over
these Colleges. To prove this, let Theories be submitted to a doctoral
review board.
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That C (no hyphen) M (no 'U') has combined with others to subject us to
a jurisdiction of foreign TA's, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving
its Assent to their Acts of pretended Instruction
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For quartering large bodies of rat-gazorching frat boys (who are a bunch
of mindless jerks who'll be the first against wall when the Revolution
comes) among us:
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For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from Punishment for any Murders which
they should commit on the Inhabitants of this Campus:
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For cutting off our Contact with all parts of the world:
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For imposing Tuition on us without our Consent:
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For transporting us to Pittsburgh to be "educated":
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For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, altering
fundamentally the Forms of our Governments, and subjecting us to 7:30 Physics
exams:
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For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested
with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever. C (no hyphen) M
(no 'U') has plundered our minds, ravaged our QPA's, burnt our Tartan burgers,
and destroyed any last vestige of self-respect we might once have had.
C (no hyphen) M (no 'U') is at this time transporting large armies of foreign
TA's to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun
with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the
most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy of a college in a civilized nation.
It has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to
bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless native Pittsburghers,
whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages,
sexes and conditions. In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned
for Redress in the most humble terms:
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Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A University,
whose lack of character is thus marked by every act which may define a
Tyrant, is unfit to be the educator of the ignorant masses. Nor have We
been wanting in attention to our Faculty brethren. We have warned them
from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable
jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our
application and matriculation here. We have appealed to their native justice
and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred
to disavow these 7:30 exams, which would inevitably interrupt our beauty
sleep. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the KGB, in General Congress, Assembled,
appealing to the Man Who Rules the Universe for the rectitude of our intentions,
do, in the Name, and by Authority of the weird People of this Campus, solemnly
publish and declare, That we are, and of Right ought to be, Strange and
Unusual People; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to anybody but
ourselves, and that all political connection between us and them, is and
ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Strange and Unusual People,
we have full Power to levy Humor, conclude that we never should have come
here in the first place, contract and expand, establish Anarchy (No,
wait! You can't do that. My poli-sci professor told me so.), and to
do all other Acts and Things which Strange and Unusual People may of right
do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a so-so reliance on the
Protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives,
our Fortune Cookies and our crib sheets.
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