When Ed was born, the moon turned a blood red color and the seas boiled. However, as this was the normal state of affairs in his native land of Outer Slobovia, no one paid it much heed. His early years were spent playing bridge with his otter and robot friends, but when a particularly intense game turned sour, he was forced to flee for greener pastures. Seeking refuge in a foreign land, Ed became a scholar, and was soon known internationally as the foremost authority on Utilitarian Dianetics. Ed lived a life of simple happiness for many years, until an unfortunate and bloody incident involving his invisible friend, John Balthazar, forced him to withdraw from the public eye.
Mym was born one as one of the People of the Sea in the balmy watters of the Caribbean. However, e soon grew restless in eir mundane life of seducing tourists sabotaging pirate boats, and after a tearful farewell to eir family, Mym forsook eir fins for feet and joined the walking world. Mym immediately took a job with a major fishing company, and using eir unique insight into the minds of sea animals, quickly rose through the ranks until e was regarded by all to be the most prestigious Fisher Baron on the east coast. Since e retired at an early age, Mym now spends eir time mastering the marionette.
Second Vice President: Yanna Weisberg
Yanna's first best-seller was in 1924, and she has reliably released at least one internationally acclaimed novel every year since. Her works draw upon her experiences as a mysterious and alluring potato farmer in the early 20th century, but the stories she weaves are timeless. I especially liked the one about the little boy and the toast. Yes, toast was a thing to be respected in those days.
In her steamier days, Yanna had a torrid love affair with the then-svelte Pillsbury Doughboy. However, his wife soon discovered them in the heat of passion, and the messy divorce ruined his political career.
Recording Secretary: Nathaniel "Wes" Filardo
Hardly a day goes by that Wes does not regret entering into that pact with Lucifer, selling his soul for two snickers bars and a bobble-head doll of Nikita Kruschev. If you ask him, he will insist that it seemed like a good idea at the time. Despite living a soulless life, Wes hasn't done too badly. He wisely invested in Distribulator Corp., shortly before their Distribulator Flange hit the market and revolutionized the entire flange industry. Using his newfound wealth, Wes founded a monestary devoted to the single-minded pursuit of the perfect recipe for raspberry pie, in the hope of saving other young men from his fate. These days, Wes works as a part-time United Nations weapons inspector and happily spends his free hours with his loving wife, Dixie the Squirrel Girl from Topeka, Kansas.
Corresponding Secretary: Rebecca Nathan
Rebecca is the illegitimate daughter of Gulliver. Through her childhood, she was haunted by the stories of her father's adventures and felt that, in order to earn his love and respect, she needed to match them. So, when she turned 18, Rebecca traced her father's journey until she reached the Isle of Lilliput. Here was the opportunity she sought, and she quickly instated herself as dictator of the little people who lived there. She reigned for one hundred glorious years with the title of Enormia, Crusher of Hopes and Dreams. But on the centennial anniversary of her occupation, she was overthrown by her diminutive subjects and was forced to return to her home, there to eke out a life among the big folk she had abandoned so long ago.
Rebecca fondly remembers those days, though now her position as Corresponding Secretary in KGB gives her a bright future of world domination to look forward to. She awaits the day when she can again strike terror into the hearts of men with her cry, "REBECCA SMASH!"
Treasurer: Luke Schwarz
Luke grew quickly tired of the Star Wars jokes to which he was exposed, and his heart grew black and cold. His first step into the seamy realm of upper Tunisian politics took place at the tender age of 19, as he led a successful military coup of the corner grocer's store. From there he built resources (as well as a hefty stock of Twinkies, stored in a secret, underground bunker in case his campaign should turn sour like so many lemons). However, just as he was about to declare victory in the Tunisian National Election (an intense competition involving two ducks, a flail, and a tub of butter) his concentration faltered and he was defeated. Looking back on the incident, Luke claims that it was the shiny nature of the flail which led to his downfall. Learning from this hard lesson, Luke carries sandpaper with him at all times, in case he should come across some stray hint of chrome or polish.
Things are not going poorly these days for Luke. Using the material stored in his bunker (which, in addition to Twinkies, also held a variety of other delicious Hostess products), Luke was able to leverage a position for himself at a local bank, giving him the training and experience he needed to rise to position of KGB Treasurer.
Being born in a post-apocalyptic wasteland would be enough to keep any mere human down, but Lauren, with a variety of cybernetic and biological enhancements, became a mercenary known across the wastelands for her kind, mechanical heart and her love for the small pleasures of life (such as crushing her opponents beneath her spiky jackboot of flowery happiness). Ever at the height of fashion, Styger can be seen sporting her famous tie-dyed leather jackets with her hair up in some interesting, new, and deadly style. Her services aren't merely open to the highest bidder, but rather she'll work for any group whose cause she deems worthy. We told her that her work with the KGB would be helping an endangered species of rabbit in Borneo get its wings. Until she figures it out, her forklift arms will be extremely useful in her position as Sergeant at Arms.
Dossiers supplied by John Balthazar
Current top banner: "Blue Fence of Death" for Bill Gates visit. (credit: Matthew Ghio) Reload for a new one.